Hating Life

Hey so all of a sudden it's a new year again. I still remember I was rather hopeful when I typed my last entry in 2017.

So what in 2017 turned me into such a negative funk?

Last time we updated May 2017, so let's start with June.

June 2017
It was all good when my family came visit, and we travelled to Zurich and Constanz. I guess home is where your family is.

Then on 19th, it was Jannis's birthday but unfortunately ,there were also plenty of university assignments. I was not very motivated to plan anything for him, nor finish my heaps of papers, presentations, reports etc. Then on the exact day of his birthday, we bought something at the South American store nearby I went to the riverside to lunch with him. The lady at the snack bar calculated the money wrong, and overcharged us for 30 cents. We walked to a bench that was close to his work, which is good because he had only 30 minutes lunch break. While eating, I started to think of that lady overcharged us. It was just 30 cents but I could not let go of the thought that she was picking on me. I got so anxious about everything happening in life: dinner plan, powerpoints, job, everything. Out of the blue I shed the first drop of tear and just burst into tears. Major outbreak. Jannis was scared and did not know what to do. Me either. Then I told my group mates that I was allergic to something and escaped from my responsibility of presenting. I dragged my exhausted body home after Jannis went back to work., with two trails of tears on my face. It felt quite bizarre as I was not sure why did I cry. My brain actually stopped thinking of actual events or assignments already, but the shadow of the uneasiness remained.

That was just the start of the negativity.

Jul 2017
Visited Landshut's wedding festival. It was quite interesting but the highlight is the sushi bar there.

On 8th, Jannis went to Electric Love with his classmates. To my disappointment, he did not want me to come with, so I did not. I signed up to work at the bar instead. He said he would come over to my bar, but he never did. He blamed the staff on site but to be honest, I think normal people just look at the map and would figure out.

There was a happy trip though, it was the weekend trip to Bad Gastein. It is a very small place but the hotel has good wellness facilities. I also appreciated that Jannis drove me to the hotel first, drove 8km to the e car charging station and actually ran back. I still consider this a bit crazy.

Visited Rome again. It was happy time. As this entry is about hating my life, so I am not gonna write about it.

Aug 2017
Omg I finally went home. For almost a whole month! I reserved a week for work and sadly I did not get any success. Sometimes I really doubt if I fit in this company at all. I don't feel 100% comfortable to talk to people, and this kind of freedom.. Of course it is good for me, but I dislike seeing other people not needing to work sticking to discipline. Another thing, I did not make any sales in my motherland (but I suck at presenting in Cantonese). Good that I had some sister time, and hung out with Ivy so much. Also went to Vietnam with Jannis and he planned things for my bday.

Sept 2017
Post home unhappiness kicked in! Started to question about what was the point of living AGAIN!

Oct 2017
Took Salsa class. It was fun except guys really stank in the evening. Made a trip to Vienna, so long! It is a nice city and wish I could get a job there. Then had a flash trip to Budapest.

Nov 2017
Attended a stupid James Blunt concert on 3rd year relationship and Jannis obviously cared about the concert more. Why did I book these tickets. Pure stupidity. Then he told me that he had decided to go to Seoul for his 4th semester. I felt so insulted. Okay it wasn't the first time I heard about this idea but definitely the first time to hear he 'had decided', right before he booked his ticket. I guess people accept the love the think they deserve, and at that point I knew I would eventually break up with him because he lacks empathy and respect. I do not need to be a small person to accept such things.

Dec 2017
Moved out from shared flat.

Not patiently enough to type properly after all, haha.
I would just sum up this review by Gandi's saying, 'be the change you want to see in the world'. I guess I wish a world without me.